they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
