Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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