It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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