bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
