Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
