we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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