I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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