he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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