two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
