I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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