I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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