Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
