I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize