never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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