And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
