He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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