why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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