i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
