I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
