Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
