can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
