I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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