Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
