my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
