You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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