I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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