it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
