I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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