I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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