While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
