Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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