so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
