I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
