Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
