I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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