oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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