Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
