I can text with my tongue
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
