Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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