How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize