i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
