I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
