And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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