i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
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Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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