peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You smell like stripper and shame
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
