When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
