I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
