Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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