easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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