So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
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So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
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He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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