i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
