Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
