I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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