Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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