i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
