I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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